I have always had a degree of health anxiety, but when Covid hit, it really spiked. At home with the family, I made sure we washed all our food and even then I didn’t feel safe eating it. I would bring in the post and then be worried about touching the front door. I’d shower for ages, trying to wash the virus away.
I’m a journalist, so before the anxiety set in I was a pretty outgoing and adaptable person. But from the start of lockdown until September 2022, I didn’t go anywhere indoors other than home or the hospital. I didn’t even walk down a street for a year and a half, for fear of passing too close to someone.
For a long time, I didn’t want to get better. I felt so scared by the world. It seemed like my old life just wouldn’t happen again, that I’d never feel OK being in a bar, a club, a gig or anything that involved being near lots of people. Music became really important as a way to cope – especially a band called Bastille, who I was late to discover but instantly loved.
By spring 2022, I was very slowly starting to get better. I was still washing all my food and not going near people, but I was able to walk down the street again, even if I did hold my breath every time someone walked past. However, my progress had plateaued and I didn’t know what to do.
Then I had a vivid dream about going to a live Bastille gig. The excitement and joy of that dream helped me realise how much I wanted music, people and new experiences in my life again. I had to get better.
I started to pour all my energy into my recovery. I became more optimistic. I looked around for concerts close to me and discovered that Bastille were playing at the Victorious festival, which is just down the road from my home in Southampton. I contacted the PR team and was delighted to be offered review tickets for a nonprofit community website I run. Best of all, I was granted an interview with Bastille.
From that moment on, I worked hard to prepare myself for the gig. I began to get fit again. I went into a shop for the first time in months, started socialising more and going for walks with friends.
On the day of the concert, we went through the VIP entrance, which was much quieter, so that really helped. I stood backstage with the PR team, waiting for my turn to interview the band. My heart was racing, not just because I was meeting Bastille, but also because I really didn’t want to use hand sanitiser in front of them, which had become a habit. I had to pretend that the last couple of years hadn’t happened to me and, somehow, I was able to. When I shook their hands, it took the total number of people I’d had any physical contact with in the last two-and-a-half years to about 10.
During the concert, we started off on the periphery of the crowd and slowly edged further into the centre. It didn’t feel stressful; actually, it felt really good. I remember dancing and feeling happy, and finding the whole thing unbelievable. “Look what I’ve done,” I thought. “I’m doing this!”
Over the next days, weeks and months, I gradually became more active. It took a while for the anxiety to go completely, but it didn’t control me any more. On top of the work for my website, I got a job at a community centre for lonely and vulnerable people. They were really tolerant of my initial shyness and helped me find my way back into the world again.
Bastille is definitely my favourite band. I recently saw them at a packed gig on Oxford Street, and a cramped record shop gig in Southampton. And I always go to Victorious festival now. I love it.
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